Book Review: How To Kill Your Family

I have killed several people (some brutally, others calmly) and yet I languish in jail for a murder I did not commit

Isn’t funny how you end up rooting for a serial killer? Because it is. And not because our lead character, Grace, is evidently a sociopath or the fact that she prefers to run marathons than face her damned problems or even her blatant disdain for millennial pink. It’s this weird nouveau fight-for-justice style book where the people whom she kills (with one exception in my opinion) all deserve to die. They are horrible people. But Grace is funny, witty and not in a bullshit social media feminist way either. Like she is legit funny. And, quite rightly, in a state of all out, burning, hell raising rage. You know, the kind where the devil wouldn’t take her because he’d be sure she’d take over hell, kind of rage. Why? Oh, because her mother, Marie, fell in love with this outlandish, charming, charismatic nouveau rich business man called Simon Artemis who threw her to the side when he was bored- and she, Marie, was pregnant with Grace. The Artemis family don’t give a shit about Marie or Grace, they think she is a money grabbing whore because people who have money want to keep it. At. All. Costs. Because the nouveau- riche don’t want to be associated with the plebs they once were. Because being a pleb (apparently) is shit and who the hell wants to be one? But they’ll wear it as a whole ‘self -made’ badge. But overly conscious of the fact that the old money will look down on them for it. So they spend money like its nothing and will buy something if its expensive(especially if its expensive) regardless of the fact it’s a load of shit because they have to compensate SOMEWHERE! Also they believe everything that is written in the Daily Mail is the gospel truth. (Which the Artemis family do)

But I digress. The Artemis family are awful, from the grandparents who’ve moved to Marbella and complain that it’s hot and ‘nobody speaks English’. To Grace’s uncle Lee who is probably the reason why some antibiotics are becoming resistant to most STD’s. To Grace’s half sister, Bryony, who became that dreaded snowflake-bank-of-mum-and-dad-entitled-brat but worse than that, an influencer. And then there’s Janine, who quite frankly has had more work done than all the Playboy Bunny’s in history. And that’s saying something. So yeah they all deserve to die. But you know what’s odd. Grace is in prison and not for the murder of her ‘family’. But for one she didn’t commit and worse she has a cellmate called Kelly. I would describe Kelly as ‘Love Island Prison chic’ very Essex and just the type who would end up in prison because she is an idiot. Not a mastermind criminal at all. She’s also a blackmailer. Which is an important point for later on in the book.

So we watch and wait for Grace to kill her family throughout the book, there’s this delicious build up and then release as the fuckers dies. Personally, Lee’s death was delightful and Janine’s was the most adrenaline inducing, but I’ll let you read them. You may also see who I think didn’t deserve to die. But their problem was that they were too nice, too easily manipulated. So off the mortal coil they shuffled. Grace even did it all in neon pink high heels. What a babe (must buy myself a pair). I wouldn’t say Grace’s planning was brilliant, lets be honest. She’s held a grudge since she was 14 years old when her mother died and the plans of a child are entirely concrete. But she did achieve her goal of eliminating the Artemis family so that’s one thing.

Luckily for Grace, she doesn’t stay in prison for long, its true she is innocent of that crime. But there’s a catch, you know the phrase ‘out of the frying pan and into the fire’? Oh yeah. Every serial killer fumbles somewhere and Grace has, I won’t say how or why. But it’s most unlike her. And this book left me annoyed for several reasons. But mostly because, if you couldn’t tell, the god damn white-male-patriarchal-priviledge! it had me slam the book down at the end. But, I will say this: There aren’t many female serial killers out there - or at least, ones that have been caught. Food for thought, eh?